Keep on…don’t stop ’till you get enough…

Neda Agha-Soltan. Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. 

These people have left this Earth within the past 5-6 days. People who died before, what many believe to be, their time. What it is really is that many of us were not ready to part with their souls, their personalities, their smiles and inspiration. And now, in my 23 years of life, I am left to ponder the mortality of life and accept its inevitability. 

When you are in school, for many of us, you feel invincible and you completely forget about the fact that one day you will die. Not you might. Not you probably will. No, you will die. You will leave this Earth in spirit, mind and living body. And sometimes, that is a ridiculously frightening thought. If nothing else, it is extremely sobering. 

Besides all of those feelings, I am left asking myself — “what do I want people to remember about me when I leave this Earth?”. I have no control whatsoever when I am going to leave but I do have control of how I live my life each and every single day. 

So I am writing this here, so it is written down someplace so that if anyone ever comes upon it, they can determine whether or not I lived my life to my standard of the fullest. I want to live my life….

With integrity — being honest even if sometimes it sucks to do so

With empathy — reaching out to people, caring, and putting myself in someone else’s shoes to understand them regardless of who they act or who they may be

With vivacity — living my days with energy and spreading that energy to others to hopefully uplift and even inspire them

I want to be remembered best as the Jack Kerouac quote listed below….I do not have any better way to put this. I want to live as Michael Jackson’s song “Don’t Stop ‘Till You Get Enough” describes…..just keep going, living, breathing and enjoying life to the fullest…regardless of what obstacles seem to stand in your way, until you get enough. And I believe that you only get enough when you feel that your whole being is bursting with energy and you are literally beaming with life and light. I pray that Neda, Farrah and Michael are fully beaming with light right now and I thank God for their existences and their deaths. Their existences touched the lives of the people that loved them and so many more and their deaths have inspired so many of us to live for the moment and fight for life and happiness. Lord knows happiness and BEING alive don’t just happen….you fight for it to hold on to it in this over-cynical world. I am humbled and simultaneously inspired by their accomplishments and how many lives they have and will continue to touch. 

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

 

R.I.P 

Neda Agha-Soltan — 1982-2009

Farrah Fawcett  – 1947 – 2009

Michael Jackson — 1958-2009

The Visitor

I just finished watching the movie, “The Visitor”, and it really got me to thinking about the stories of immigrants and just a sense of belonging for all of us as human beings.

Isn’t a sense of belonging what we are all struggling for? A space within which we feel safe, uninhibited, and whole? And if that is what we all are searching for, why do we fault immigrants for coming to this country and trying to do so?

I have met so many individuals in the past year who are not from the United States of America — so many individuals, whether or not they are legally here, who are striving to find their space of belonging. And for so many of them, they believe they will find that space here in the United States of America. Yet, unfortunately, so many of them find out that the harsh reality is that their permanence in this country is wholly dependent upon the mood of the U.S.A. Great example: pre-911, the U.S. was fine with immigrants coming and going…post-911, everyone who is foreign becomes a terrorist.

It always strikes me as ironic how America can embrace and yet reject people who are so crucial to the existence of this country. This country was “discovered” by people who were not of this land. This country was built by people who were dragged to this land. This country has been sustained by peoples who were consistently marginalized and had to literally fight their way to even be recognized by the ‘mainstream’. And for what? To still be spit in the face by those who were born in this country and automatically have the privilege of citizenship?

My parents were immigrants and I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I was not born an American. How would I be treated? What would my struggles feel and look like? Would I ever be able to become a citizen or would I always be on the outside looking in? These are all things I do not ever have to think about except for when I speak to one of my old roomies about her struggles to find work even with a Masters degree in this country. Or when I speak to another roomie who struggles to stay in this country and find work before her visa runs out. Or when I watch this movie and see how people’s lives are completely turned and ripped inside out just for being immigrants.

To never have to feel like a visitor is a privilege that I take for granted. To know that no one can contest my citizenship, that no one can physically remove me from my space? Quite a privilege indeed.

Creativity is the key to the future.

Sir Ken Robinson: Do schools kill creativity?

Just watch the video above. Then respond if you like, to my comments, to the video or both — whatever works for you.

While watching Sir Ken Robinson speak, I found myself agreeing with everything he was saying. So much so, that now he is a hero of mine. The man broke down exactly why things must change in our educational systems. I want to extend his argument to not just our educational systems but also in our workplaces as well. It is vital that creative expression be encouraged in our educational systems since the educational systems feed directly into the workplaces. And if children are continually taught to numb their creativity than we will continue to have working adults who have nothing fresh to offer their companies which correlates with a diminishing returns in regards to productivity for companies.

Now I am sure that some people will not agree at all with Sir Robinson nor will they see a need to change the status quo. And that is fine. But for everyone else who feels numb while they are at work, who feels completely separate from their body and mind — as if your mind is elsewhere but your body is in front of your desk, who feels completely uninspired and utterly drained by the time they leave work AND who cannot wait until Friday afternoon — that video link up above is for you.

You see, what Sir Robinson is touching upon is not just creativity in the boxed sense of music/dance/drama — no, he is speaking of creativity in its original open-ended conception of just any original thought. And we all have original thoughts..hell sometimes we even surprise ourselves. But we all have them…regardless of the last time you had one. They are there…they are just buried under all of the other junk in your life. So maybe it is time to get the other junk out of the way and just time to start looking for spaces of your own unique creative expression. Finding a space for it is just the beginning but you do have to begin somewhere, especially if you have not done it in an incredibly long time. We have to take our time in this creative expression process because we have to re-teach ourselves to embrace failing.

Basically, we as adults, have to re-teach ourselves how to enjoy failing because in that space of failure is where our original thoughts can take root and flourish. And if we don’t want our children to have to do the same, we should really take a hard look at whether we can even afford to continue to teach them out of their creativity.

Recent article from Sir Ken Robinson himself: Transform Education? Yes, We Must

Protect My Soul…

It never ceases to amaze how people can truly disappoint me and how I continue to fall into the same trap. Is it because I want to believe that people are better than what the originally show you? Is it because I know that if I start expecting less from people that it will only lead me to accept less than I deserve? Or is just that I enjoy being disappointed?

I am not sure — but I am sick of it. So since I know that I am not going to lower my expectations because I do not want accept less from life — I am only left with one option.

I am going to have to start cutting people out of my life. It is essential that I protect my soul from the harshness of the world and of people…otherwise, I become just as eroded and downtrodden as so many people I see all around me. And that thought — the thought of having my soul completely eroded away so that I do not feel any motivation to truly enjoy life? That thought horrifies me. Maybe it is because I am “young” — but something in the pit of my soul knows that there is more to life than disappointment, fear, hurt and pain…you just have to keep holding on. And the only way I can be strong enough to keep holding on is if I let go of the people who are just pulling on me instead of helping to keep my hold strong.

I know I have probably said this before, but I will keep saying it until I am consciously choosing the right people to stay in my life and those who I need to take out of my life.

It is SO essential that I protect my soul because NO ONE ELSE can do it for me…not even people who are supposed to be family or who are actually family. Family just consists of those people who you came into the world with — obviously for some people, family doesn’t mean anything more than just some random people who got smashed together. So…I have to protect my soul, my heart, my eyes, my ears, my mouth — everything. All of these parts of myself are an opening into my soul and I gotta protect my soul…I just have to.

Love

I just finished watching Sex and the City (the feature film) and throughout the film, I thought about love and romantic relationships. I thought about the pain and the mending of  broken heart, dried up tears and empty arms. I wondered if love really is real….if it is truly tangible and sustainable. 

I cannot answer any of those questions about love — I truly cannot. However, I do know one thing. 

While watching this movie, I felt my now highly-developed cynical side running my thoughts — judging Big much harsher than I did when I watched it last year and not really believing that all could be well between Big and Carrie. Even at the end, when they got married – I was slightly unimpressed with the whole ending — although last year, I burst into tears at that scene. 

It wasn’t until I saw the scene at the very, very end, when Big surprises Carrie with her best friends in the whole world and they all reunite with their extended families and loved ones — that is when I burst into tears. That is when I realized what love really is….love is people who know you, fight with you, help you and still love you through all of your twists, turns, up and downs. 

I may be cynical about romantic love…I am not sure how long I will be cynical about it….but for right now, I am dwelling and basking in the love of friendship.

Folded and neatly tucked away
Covered and just collecting dust
Why take it out? Why bring it to light?

What is the use, right?
The light may only disturb
Disturb what cannot be changed

So just leave it
Folded and neatly tucked away
Covered and collecting dust

Upside of Anger

I used to be afraid of being angry. I used to be afraid of offending other people, especially my loved ones. I used to be afraid of people being unhappy with me.

I am no longer afraid. Now, I am just angry.

It is always funny to me when people are rattled when other people are angry. I am now convinced those people who are just unnerved by people who are angry are actually afraid of their own anger.

I am no longer afraid of my own anger. I understand it for what it is…another emotion that I experience as fully as any other. My anger is….my anger is, at this very moment, a catalyst. A catalyst to move me to another platform. I realize that I am usually too nice, too kind, too forgiving to actually move onto other things. It usually takes me hitting a breaking point for me to make a move on the things that I have been observing for far too long.

And that log time that it takes me to make a move allows me to really observe situations and people but it is also sometimes gets me stuck in situations that I should have left a long time ago. And I am tired of doing that. I am tired of giving way too much leeway to people and situations….way too much.

So right now, I am angry…because far too many times I have been so dependable, so great at executing and implementing, and so great at keeping track of things. Now, I am angry and tired of always being in that box — who wants to just be great at following directions and always being there? I am angry at always being always.

And that is the upside of anger….it gets your ass moving, doesn’t it?

A game of survival…

Have you ever slowed down, while in a crowded area, in a place like Times Square during rush hour? Have you ever taken a moment to really take in all of the people, rushing about looking either very focused or frazzled? Have you ever just wondered to yourself exactly where in the world all of these people are going, especially at such a breakneck speed?

I had one of those moments today. I was very calm during the evening rush hour commute and was in no particular hurry, so I decided to slow down and just take a moment to breathe. And as I did this, I took the time to watch people’ faces and their body language. I watched people running from one train to the next, with flushed faces and flapping bags. I observed the frenzy of the crowd, how it was so frenetic and yet no one was dazzled by its busy movement — oh the beauty of being a New Yorker…nothing really fazes you, lol.

Anyways, as I took in this whole scene, I thought again of where all of these people might be headed. Where oh where are they headed? And although there are millions of people in the vastness of New York City, I realized that all of these people were headed to the same place. A place where they felt safe…a place where they would (or at least hope to) encounter people and/or things that will bring them a sense of safety. Be it back to their families in their homes or be it the young travelers who wish to leave NYC for a more earthy surrounding. Whatever the space may look, feel and smell like, this space is universal amongst all of these people I saw….including myself.

Everyday we get up and go out into the world, moving away from our cocoons….our wombs of safety. And everyday, the game we play is making it back safely to our cocoons. Every single day, ours is a game of survival…a steadfast and yet deeply subconscious game of survival. Someone comes too close to you on the train, especially someone you deem as unsafe? You move away from that individual. Some people try to offer you something on the street, something you may not be inclined to trust? You decline the offer. Or quite simply, you play the “unseen and unwritten” rules of work so that you can keep your job for another day.

Survival. Playing this game of survival is what keeps us alive. Our animalistic instinct to live is what drives us to play this game of survival. And thinking about all of this on my quick commute back to my apartment, I thought that if the why of survival is completely based on our instinct as “evolved animals” and there is nothing further to the question, then what else is there to ponder about human existence in of itself? And then it dawned upon me that the question is not why do we rush to get back to our safe places? Our constant search to make our lives more fulfilling, more authentic and more than just playing this game of survival cannot be found in our animalistic instinct.

The only way we can succeed at making our lives more fulfilling and authentic is actually defining for ourselves what we need to survive. This sounds simple enough, right? Food, water and shelter, right? I mean sure…those three suffice for the physicality of our beings….but they do not fulfill our constant search for a more full feeling in our lives. That search for something more authentic comes from our souls. And it is at this point, trying to find out what our souls need to survive is where so many of us (myself included) get tripped up and get caught up in the wrong relationships, jobs, situations, etc.

So what does your soul need to survive?

P.S. Whatever makes you smile for no damn reason or makes you feel contented — that is a breadcrumb on the path to figuring out what your soul needs to survive.

Daylight Savings Time – It Can Change Everything…

I love how I am still wide awake right now….why, you may ask?

It is all due to Daylight Savings Time…that hour that we have lost has my body operating as if it is 11:07pm instead of 12:07pm. But I am damn sure I will feel it tomorrow morning….lol

But this change in time got me thinking about how a simple change in time or perspective can completely alter the way in which we interact with life. I mean, my body will now adjust to a completely different time frame than it has been for the past several months. My mind will also be adjusting — with more light outside, I already feel prone to go outside, enjoy the weather and explore the world as I usually do when it is warm outside. Already, I am beginning to feel lighter and have a bit more of a spring in my step than I do during the winter months. And I am even riding the bus more often which is always a sign for me that I am ready to be outside again. And all because a small change on my clocks….that small change and I quite possibly feel like a new person, lol.

Now imagine if it is a change in perspective? An actual, conscious choice to actively view life in a specific way? Imagine how that could very well change your life…

Just a thought, right?

….but isn’t that how it always starts anyways?

Pain

Sometimes it really hurts to get excited about things…sometimes it really does.

I find that everytime I get excited about something, about starting a new chapter in my life — there is always a “but” involved. Always.

I guess that is life, huh? Always something there to represent an obstacle of sorts in your path. I guess if those obstacles were not there then we would not know how sweet victory can taste, right? There is no victory without struggle…that is what makes it a victory.

Nothing is easy in this life, so I have to remember that and recognize that anything worth having in this life might just elicit a few tears and pains along the way.